to write or not to write, that is the question

i can't remember if i posted under that title before... if i did, forgive me for being entirely uncreative. if i didn't, then fuck you for jumping to conclusions.

here's the thing. i've been working pretty hard the last couple of weeks, i've had deadlines approach and recieved some new assignments with more deadlines. i haven't had the mental energy to write very much. i've written a bit, enough to keep me thinking about the characters and what's going to happen next, but not as much as i'd like. i'm behind on my weekly submissions because the work has been full time and then some.

here's the other thing. i just got offered a data entry job with a government branch. it's technically classified as research, but it's data entry and document coding. the job will suck. but it might get my foot in the door for actual real research jobs. my current job is about to come to an end, though the possibility of getting the occasional scrap exists. the new job would be from 8:30-5:00 in downtown vancouver. the pay would be about 4,000/month. there are pros: my foot gets in the door with the research gig, the pay is good, there's work for the forseeable future. there are also cons: i would be gone for twelve hours because of the commute, i lose any chance to do other research jobs cause i won't have time. and the biggest con of all: no time to write The Book. my experince of the last several weeks has shown me that i can't write and work full time at the same time.

so i have to ask myself at this point: how important is this dream? is it stupid? is it a waste of time, and the possiblity of starting an adult future with chris? how much do i want to finish the book and why? do i take a haitus or do i refuse the job and continue writing? will this hurt my chances of getting a job in the future? do i hope for the best and prepare for the worst? does taking the job preclude the possiblity of writing The Book? does writing The Book constitute an act of childish hope? good lord. what will happen to me, to my psyche, if i don't finish The Book because i took a job? and what will happen to me, to my psyche, if i don't take the job, i finish The Book, and chris and i are forced to eke out an existence without anything to look forward to because i squandered our future on the barest hint of an idea of what i wanted to be?

i need some answers, and it pisses me off that they are never really very easy to obtain. and they are usually unsatisfactory in some major way. i am going to have to sacrifice something. if it were just me, i wouldn't worry about it. i'd throw caution to the wind and write the goddamned book. but it's not just me, and i don't want to end up sacrificing chris's well-being for my own. i fucking hate making decisions like this. hate. it.