neurasthenia, mother fuckers, neurasthenia

don't say i never did nothing for ya -- i've contributed to your vocabulary, if nothing else. unless you're too lazy to look it up. yeah, you didn't look it up, did you? alrighty then. neurasthenia: a psychological disorder characterized by chronic fatigue and weakness, loss of memory, and generalized aches and pains, formerly thought to result from exhaustion of the nervous system. no longer in scientific use. well, it should still be in use, goddamn it. for the last almost two weeks straight, i have been fighting almost constant stomach cramps and nausea, on and off headaches, bleary eyeballs, and a sore back (read: generalized aches and pains). let's break them all down, shall we? stomach cramps and nausea -- work related stress causing ulcer. on and off headaches -- work related stress causing abnormally high blood pressure. bleary eyeballs -- work related stress causing sleep deprivation and red, puffy eyes. sore back -- work related stress causing neck and back muscle spasms. freaking excellent. now kiddies, what's the common thread here? could it be.... work?!!?!?! damn my need for money and damn capitalism!!!!

in all seriousness, my mood is more serious than i am letting on. continuing with the theme of my last post, my work life has degraded into something dark and ugly and slimy and smelly and horrifying and my conscious self is coiled up, huddling in a corner of my brain, arms wrapped around knees, rocking back and forth, muttering under her breath to just make it all go away. it really is an interesting condition/state of mind. there are some people who would undoubtedly be thrilled to have a job like mine -- sit at a desk all day in a comfortable chair doing work that while demanding is not particularly hard. i am sure that there are some people out there who could deal with and maybe even thrive on the crazy, self-absorbed, immoral boss and the steady stream of complaints and the office politics. however, i am not in that group of some people. for whatever reason (my own limitations, childhood traumas, etc.) i cannot seem to make it past the negative points of my job that stab into my body like ice picks. i feel like a dark cloud is hovering above my head, putting a crushing pressure on my shoulders, and i can't get away from it. yet, i am self-aware enough to realize that this is a panic/horror of my own making. i am in control of my emotions and my thoughts, and i am the one who is dwelling on the bad and the ugly rather than trying to accentuate the positive.

i believe that a portion of this state of mind arises out of a mid-twenties crisis. in august, i will officially be a quarter of a century old. for most of my life, i was ahead of the class. i started college at 16 with a 4.0 GPA. i finished university with honors and a double major at 20. i finished my master's at 22 -- sooner, if i wasn't such a lazy ass. but now.... well, i have been working at a doomed and dysfunctional non-profit as an administrator for the last two years. i spent all my savings immigrating to canada. while i learned some useful adminstrative stuff (nifty tricks on excel, how to use a database, the difference between a statement of claim and a statement of defense, etc.), in my mind i have not learned about or gained any new, different, or marketable skills. i have got to get out of this place, but i don't have another job lined up. nor do i really want another job. jobs suck. i want a career (note previously mentioned trite i-want-to-be-a-writer post) but i have no idea how to start it. especially given the geographic limitations placed upon me by my boyfriend's very secure and well-paid union job that he probably couldn't get anywhere else in north america. (that sentence refers to the fact that the job market is absolute crap in vancouver for anyone other than a skilled tradesperson which i am not and which i am not interested in becoming.) said wonderful and spectacular boyfriend has offered to support me financially if i want to quit working for a while to finish the book. he is so freaking amazing. how many other boyfriends would offer to do that? when i asked him why he has so much faith in me, he said, "i think it's great that you feel passionate about something and you're trying to go after it. and i believe that you can do it and that it will be great and if you don't do it now, you'll regret it when you're older." oh, getting teary eyed now. so, other than a man who believes in me and loves me and supports me and is the bestest person i've ever known in my life, what am i left with? (don't get me wrong -- i am SO thankful for chris in my life that i really wouldn't have any regrets if he were the only good thing in it, but i feel that i need to follow this panic attack to its logical end.) a flimsy and nascent book idea, no time to write it, and even if i did write it, what about publishing it? and even if i did publish it, what about getting paid for it? and what about the next one? and what about buying a house and maybe one day having a dog or a kid and a retirement fund? what the fucking hell am i doing with my life??? aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhh. oh, god, my stomach hurts.